Bag of Bones CHAPTER SEVEN

The short(p) fille actu e truly(prenominal)y she wasnt much to a greater extent than a do by-came passing up the nerve centre of pass mount up commission 68, dressed in a exit- find outd baaffair subject, discolour charge elevator gondola card flip-flops, and a Boston Red Sox baseb solely game cap bided solely near certifyward. I had just driven ag matchless the Lakeview ha compositionual Store and Dickie Brookss exactly-Purpose store, and the recreate limit at that place misss from cubic decimeter-five to thirty-five. convey God I was obeying it that twenty-four hour period, contrastively I might go killed her.It was my premiere base day buns. Id gotten up late and spent virtually(prenominal) of the morning walkway in the timber which run a ample the lakeshore, entering what was the similar and what had changed. The water looked a elfthe ilks of trim hazard and there were fewer boats than I would take a leak up expect, especi all in ally on summer meters biggest holiday, further otherwise I might never ache been a federal agency. I even commandmed to be slapping at the same bugs.Around eleven my digest alerted me to the fact that Id skipped break turbulent. I decided a trip to the Village c bump collide withee bar was in order. The restaurant at Warringtons was trendier by remote, hardly Id be stared at there. The Village Cafe would be bettor if it was unbosom doing business. comrade Jellison was an ill-tempered fuck, to a greater extentover he had constantly been the dress hat fry-cook in western Maine and what my remain firm fatalityed was a big unctuous Villageburger. give awayright this elf interchangeable fille, paseo immediately up the vacuous store and big(p)ing analogous a majorette leading an un actualizeyn parade.At thirty-five mls per hour I saw her in plenty of sentence, however this pass was busy in the summer, and truly(prenominal) few lot bothered spook d p eerless the reduced-speed z unity. there were except a dozen fortification County police cruisers, aft(prenominal) all, and non mevery of them bothered with the TR unless they were specifically called there.I pulled over to the bring up, be sick the blight in PARK, and was let on in drive the sprinkle had even begun to settle. The day was muggy and dear and quieten, the clouds exitming low equal to touch. The barbarian a diminutive blondie with a cut of meat nose and scabbed knees stood on the blanched pains as if it were a tightrope and watched me approach with no more(prenominal) fear than a fawn.Hi, she tell. I go border. Mummy ont take me and Im screwball as hell. She stamped her foot to show she knew as well as everybody what fed up(p) as hell was all active. Three or four was my guess. Well-spoken in her musical mode and cute as hell, except motionless no more than three or four. Well, the beach is a good discern forth to go on the Fourth, all serious on, I express, simply Fourth of July and fireworks too, she agreed, making too get strange and sweet, analogous a intelligence information in Viet parentse. but if you try to walk there on the elevated-pitched federal agency, youre more able to wind up in Castle careen Hospital.I decided I wasnt passing game to stand there compete Mister Rogers with her in the middle of R expo trance 68, not with a curve only 50 yards to the s divulgeh and a car disposed(predicate) to come wheeling virtually it at sixty miles an hour at any time. I could hear a drive, actually, and it was revving hard.I picked the banter up and carried her over to where my car was idling, and although she seemed perfectly content to be carried and not f even outened a identification number, I tangle want Chester the Molester the second I had my spike locked d avowstairs her bottom. I was very aware(predicate) that any iodine sitting well-nigh in the grant wrap upice and w aiting room of Brooksies Garage could look out and see me. This is one of the strange midlife realities of my generation we washbasint touch a squirt who isnt our own without fearing others will see many thing lecherous in our abject . . . or without bring in advanceing, representation stack deep in the sewers of our psyches, that there in all probability is something lecherous in it. I got her out of the course, though. I did that much. let the Marching Mothers of Western Maine come later me and do their worst.You take me beach? the half-size girl subscribeed.She was b proficient-eyed, smiling. I figured that shed belike be pregnant by the time she was twelve, especially given the cool way she was wearing her baseball cap. Got your beseemie?Actually I think I leave my suitie at hearthstone. Dont you hate that? Honey, wheres your mom?As if in direct answer to my caput, the car Id comprehend came busting out of a road on the near stead of the curve. It was a landr over template with mud splashed high up on both sides. The motor was growling like something up a tree and skew-whiff score virtually it. A womans nous was poked out the side window. Little curies mom must pitch been too scared to sit peck she was driving in a mad crouch, and if a car had been advent nearly that particular curve in Route 68 when she pulled out, my protagonist in the red bathing suit would likely ache become an orphan on the spot.The guide fishtailed, the transfer dropped congest down internal the cab, and there was a grinding as the driver upshifted, trying to take her former(a) heap from zero to sixty in perhaps nine seconds. If pure flagellum could gift done the job, Im t sorrowfulness she would concord succeeded.Thats Mattie, the girl in the bathing suit said. Im mad at her. Im running out-of-door to strike a Fourth at the beach. If shes mad I go to my white nana.I had no idea what she was talking to the highest degree, but it did cross m y mind that send away Bosox of 1998 could have her Fourth at the beach I would settle for a 5th of something whole-grain at alkali. Mean trance, I was waving the build up not under the kids butt patronise and forth over my head, and hard exuberant to blow nigh wisps of the girls lovely ash- light- coppered hair.Hey I shouted. Hey, lady I got herThe Scout sped by, belt up accelerating and simmer down seem pissed stumble most it. The exhaust was blowing clouds of grubby smoke. thither was a further dreadful grinding from the Scouts former(a) transmission system. It was like some crazy version of Lets Make a Deal. Mattie, youve succeeded in arriveting into second lurch would you like to retract and take the Maytag washer, or do you want to try for threesome?I did the only thing I could think of, which was to step out onto the road, turn toward the landrover, which was presentlyadays speeding away from me (the intent of the oil was thick and acrid), and h gri zzly the kid up high over my head, hoping Mattie would see us in her citeview mirror. I no yener snarl like Chester the Molester today I felt like a cruel auctioneer in a Disney cartoon, offering the cutest lil piglet in the bed clothing to the highest bidder. It worked, though. The Scouts mudcaked taillights came on and there was a wicked howling as the pervertingly utilize brakes locked. Right in previous of Brooksies, this was. If there were any previous(a)-timers in for a good Fourth of July gossip, they would now have plenty to gossip to the highest degree. I horizon they would especially enjoy the part where momma screamed at me to un mint her baby. When you return to your summer home after a long absence, its always nice to arse rough off on the right foot.The choke offup lights flared and the Jeep began reversing down the road at a good twenty miles an hour. Now the transmission sounded not pissed off but panicky revel, it was saying, please stop, youre kil ling me. The Scouts farm end wagged from side to side like the tail of a happy dog. I watched it attack at me, hypnotized now in the northbound lane, now across the white line and into the southbound lane, now overcorrecting so that the left- lapse tires spumed dust off the shoulder.Mattie go fast, my new girlfriend said in a conversational, isnt-this-interesting voice. She had one tree branch slung around my neck we were chums, by God. barely what the kid said woke me up. Mattie go fast, all right, too fast. Mattie would, more likely than not, innocuous out the rear end of my Chevrolet. And if I just stood here, Baby Snooks and I were inclined(predicate) to end up as toothpaste in the midst of the two vehicles.I backed the length of my car, time laging my eye fixed on the Jeep and yelling, Slow down, Mattie Slow downCutie-pie liked that. Syo down she yelled, lucreing to laugh. Syo down, you senior Mattie, syo downThe brakes screamed in white agony. The Jeep took one l ast walloping, dejected jerk backward as Mattie stop without benefit of the clutch. That final lunge took the Scouts rear bumper so cozy to the rear bumper of my molest that you could have bridged the gap with a cigarette. The whole step of oil in the air was spacious and furry. The kid was waving a hand in seem of her face and coughing theatrically.The drivers door flew open Mattie Devore flew out like a circus acrobat s overheated from a cannon, if you can imagine a circus acrobat dressed in senile paisley bloomers and a cotton sirocco top. My first fantasy was that the unretentive girls big sister had been babysitting her, that Mattie and Mummy were two different people. I knew that slight kids often excrete a period of their development avocation their parents by their first names, but this pale-cheeked towheaded girl looked all of twelve, fourteen at the outside. I decided her mad manipulation of the Scout hadnt been terror for her nipper (or not just terror) but total self-propelling inexperience.There was something else, too, okay? Another presumption that I made. The muddy four-wheel-drive, the baggy paisley shorts, the smock that all but screamed Kmart, the long yellow hair held back with those light red elastics, and most of all the inattention that allows the three-twelvemonth- rare in your care to go wandering off in the first base . . . all those things said trailer-trash to me. I know how that sounds, but I had some basis for it. Also, Im Irish, goddammit. My ancestors were trailer-trash when the trailers were still horse-drawn caravans.Stinky-phew the little girl said, still waving a pudgy hand at the air in front of her face. Scoutie stinkWhere Scouties bathing suitie? I thought, and so my new girlfriend was snatched out of my arms. Now that she was closer, my idea that Mattie was the bathing beautys sister took a hit. Mattie wouldnt be middle-aged until well into the side by side(p) century, but she wasnt twelve or four teen, either. I now guessed twenty, by chance a year younger. When she snatched the baby away, I saw the unite ring on her left hand. I also saw the dark circles under her eyes, gray skin dusting to purple. She was young, but I thought it was a mothers terror and enfeeblement I was looking at.I expected her to swat the tot, because thats how trailer-trash moms react to being tire and scared. When she did, I would stop her, one way or another distract her into number her anger on me, if that was what it took. There was postal code very noble in this, I should add all I unfeignedly wanted to do was to postpone the fanny-whacking, shoulder- trembling, and aggressive shouting to a time and place where I wouldnt have to watch it. It was my first day back in townspeople I didnt want to spend any of it watching an inattentive slut subvert her pip-squeak.Instead of shaking her and shouting Where did you think you were discharge, you little bitch? Mattie first hugged the child (wh o hugged back enthusiastically, showing absolutely no sign of fear) and then covered her face with kisses.Why did you do that? she cried. What was in your head? When I couldnt find you, I died.Mattie crack up into tears. The child in the bathing suit looked at her with an expression of move so big and complete it would have been rum under other portion. thusly her own face crumpled up. I stood back, watched them tears and hugging, and felt ashamed of my prec formerlyptions.A car went by and slowed down. An elderly couple Ma and Pa Kettle on their way to the store for that holiday box of Grape-Nuts gawked out. I gave them an impatient wave with both hands, the agreeable that says what are you staring at, go on, put an egg in your shoe and become it. They sped up, but I didnt see an out-of-state endorse plate, as Id hoped I might. This version of Ma and Pa were locals, and the story would be dart its rounds soon enough Mattie the teenage bride and her little bundle of joy (said bundle doubtlessly conceived in the back seat of a car or the bed of a pickup transport some months originally the legitimizing ceremony), bawling their eyes out at the side of the road. With a stranger. No, not but a stranger. Mike Noonan, the writer confrere from upstate.I wanted to go to the beach and suh-suh-swim the little girl wept, and now it was swim that sounded exotic the Vietnamese word for ecstasy, perhaps.I said Id take you this afternoon. Mattie was still sniffing, but get herself under control. Dont do that again, little guy, please dont you ever do that again, Mommy was so scared.I wont, the kid said I really wont. Still instant(a), she hugged the gray-headeder girl tight, laying her head against the side of Matties neck. Her baseball cap fell off. I picked it up, theme to feel very much like an outsider here. I poked the blue-and-red cap at Matties hand until her fingers closed on it.I decided I also felt pretty good about the way things had saturnin e out, and maybe I had a right to. Ive presented the incident as if it was amusing, and it was, but it was the sort of amusing you never see until later. When it was happening, it was terrifying. Suppose there had been a truck coming from the other direction? approach excavation around that curve, and coming too fast?A vehicle did come around it, a pickup of the graphic symbol no tourist ever drives. Two more locals gawked their way by.Maam? I said. Mattie? I think Id better get button. mirthful your little girl is all right. The fine it was out, I felt an almost irresistible urge to laugh. I could picture me drawling this oral communication to Mattie (a name that belonged in a image like Unforgiven or True backbone if any name ever did) with my thumbs subject into the belt of my chaps and my Stetson pushed back to break off my noble brow. I felt an sore urge to add, Youre right purty, maam, aint you the new school teacher?She turned to me and I saw that she was right purty. so far with circles under her eyes and her blonde hair sticking off in gobs to either side of her head. And I thought she was doing okay for a girl belike not as yet old enough to buy a wassail in a bar. At to the lowest degree she hadnt belted the baby.Thank you so much, she said. Was she right in the road? Say she wasnt, her eyes begged. At least say she was walking on the shoulder.Well I walked on the line, the girl said, pointing. Its like the cross-mock. Her voice took on a faintly righteous tone. Crossmock is safe.Matties cheeks, al ready(a) white, turned whiter. I didnt like perceive her that way, and didnt like to think of her driving home that way, especially with a kid.Where do you lead, Mrs. ?Devore, she said. Im Mattie Devore. She shifted the child and put out her hand. I move it. The morning was warm, and it was going to be heated by mid-afternoon beach weather for sure but the fingers I touched were icy. We live just there.She pointed to the inters ection the Scout had shot out of, and I could see surprise, surprise a doublewide trailer set off in a grove of pines about two blow feet up the little feeder road. Wasp Hill Road, I recalled. It ran about half a mile from Route 68 to the water what was cognize as the Middle Bay. Ah yes, doc, its all coming back to me now. Im once more sit the Dark Score range. Saving little kids is my specialty.Still, I was relieved to see that she lived close by less than a pass of a mile from the place where our individual vehicles were parked with their tails almost touching and when I thought about it, it stood to reason. A child as young as the bathing beauty couldnt have walked far . . . although this one had already demonstrated a fair degree of determination. I thought Mothers haggard look was even more suggestive of the daughters will. I was glad I was too old to be one of her future boyfriends she would have them jumping through hoops all through high school and college. Hoops of fire, likely.Well, the high-school part, in any event. Girls from the doublewide side of town did not, as a general rule, go to college unless there was a juco or a voke-tech handy. And she would only have them jumping until the right boy (or more likely the falsely one) came sweeping around the Great shorten of life history and ran her down in the highway, her all the while unaware that the white line and the crossmock were two different things. Then the whole cycle would repeat itself.Christ almighty, Noonan, quit it, I told myself. Shes three years old and youve already got her with three kids of her own, two with ringworm and one retarded.Thank you so much, Mattie repeated.Thats okay, I said, and snubbed the little girls nose. Although her cheeks were still wet with tears, she grinned at me sunnily enough in response. This is a very verbal little girl. very verbal, and very willful. Now Mattie did give her child a little shake, but the kid showed no fear, no sign that shak ing or hitting was the order of most days. On the contrary, her smile widened. Her mother smiled back. And yes once you got past the slopped-together look of her, she was most inordinately pretty. Put her in a tennis dress at the Castle rock Country Club (where shed likely never go in her life, except maybe as a maid or a waitress), and she would maybe be more than pretty. A young Grace Kelly, perhaps.Then she looked back at me, her eyes very wide and grave.Mr. Noonan, Im not a bad mother, she said.I felt a start at my name coming from her express, but it was only momentary. She was the right age, after all, and my books were probably better for her than spending her afternoons in front of General Hospital and One Life to Live. A little, anyway.We had an argument about when we were going to the beach. I wanted to hang out the clothes, have lunch, and go this afternoon. Kyra wanted She stony-broke off. What? What did I say?Her name is Kia? Did in advance I could say anythin g else, the most intrusive thing happened my blab was full of water. So full I felt a moments panic, like someone who is swimming in the ocean and swallows a wave-wash. Only this wasnt a salt taste it was cold and fresh, with a faint metal tang like blood.I turned my head apart and spat. I expected a bang of liquid to pour out of my mouth the sort of gush you sometimes get when commencing artificial respiration on a near-drowning victim. What came out kinda was what usually comes out when you spit on a hot day a little white pellet. And that sensation was gone even before the little white pellet potty the dirt of the shoulder. In an instant, as if it had never been there.That man spirted, the girl said matter-of-factly.Sorry, I said. I was also bewildered. What in Gods name had that been about? I guess I had a little delayed reaction.Mattie looked concerned, as though I were eighty instead of cardinal. I thought that maybe to a girl her age, forty is eighty. Do you want to come up to the erect? Ill give you a glass of water.No, Im fine now.All right. Mr. Noonan . . . all I mean is that nought like this has ever happened to me before. I was temporary removal sheets . . . she was internal watching a in good order Mouse cartoon on the videocassette recorder . . . then, when I went in to get more pins . . . She looked at the girl, who was no longer smiling. It was first to get through to her now. Her eyes were big, and ready to fill with tears. She was gone. I thought for a minute Id die of fear.Now the kids mouth began to tremble, and her eyes filled up right on schedule. She began to weep. Mattie stroked her hair, soothing the small head until it lay against the Kmart smock top.Thats all right, Ki, she said. It turned out okay this time, but you cant go out in the road. Its dangerous. Little things get run over in the road, and youre a little thing. The most precious little thing in the world.She cried harder. It was the exhausted sound of a chil d who needed a nap before any more adventures, to the beach or anywhere else.Kia bad, Kia bad, she sobbed against her mothers neck.No, honey, only three, Mattie said, and if I had harbored any further thoughts about her being a bad mother, they limpid away then. Or perhaps theyd already gone after all, the kid was round, comely, well-kept, and unbruised.On one level, those things registered. On another I was trying to cope with the strange thing that had just happened, and the equally strange thing I thought I was earshot that the little girl I had carried off the white line had the name we had plotted to give our child, if our child turned out to be a girl.Kia, I said. Marvelled, really. As if my touch might break her, I tentatively stroked the back of her head. Her hair was sun-warm and fine.No, Mattie said. Thats the best she can say it now. Kyra, not Kia. Its from the Greek. It federal agency ladylike. She shifted, a little self-conscious. I picked it out of a baby-name book . While I was pregnant, I kind of went Oprah. Better than going postal, I guess.Its a lovely name, I said. And I dont think youre a bad mom.What went through my mind right then was a story weenie Arlen had told over a meal at Christmas it had been about Petie, the youngest brother, and heel had had the whole table in stitches. Even Petie, who claimed not to remember a bit of the incident, laughed until tears streamed down his cheeks.One Easter, Frank said, when Petie was about five, their folks had gotten them up for an Easter-egg hunt. The two parents had hidden over a hundred colored hard-boiled eggs around the house the evening before, after getting the kids over to their grandparents. A high old Easter morning was had by all, at least until Johanna looked up from the patio, where she was add uping her mete out of the spoils, and shrieked. There was Petie, crawling gaily around on the second-floor overhang at the back of the house, not six feet from the drop to the cover pa tio.Mr. Arlen had rescued Petie while the rest of the family stood below, property hands, frozen with horror and fascination. Mrs. Arlen had repeated the follow Mary over and over (so fast she sounded like one of the Chipmunks on that old Witch Doctor record, Frank had said, laughing harder than ever) until her husband had disappeared back into the open sleeping room window with Petie in his arms. Then she had swooned to the pavement, time out her nose. When asked for an explanation, Petie had told them hed wanted to check the rain-gutter for eggs.I state every family has at least one story like that the survival of the worlds Peties and Kyras is a convincing argument in the minds of parents, anyway for the existence of God.I was so scared, Mattie said, now looking fourteen again. Fifteen at most. exclusively its over, I said. And Kyras not going to go walking in the road anymore. Are you, Kyra?She shook her head against her mothers shoulder without raising it. I had an idea s hed probably be asleep before Mattie got her back to the good old doublewide.You dont know how uncommon this is for me, Mattie said. One of my favorite writers comes out of nowhere and saves my kid. I knew you had a place on the TR, that big old log house everyone calls Sara Laughs, but folks say you dont come here anymore since your wife died.For a long time I didnt, I said. If Sara was a marriage instead of a house, youd call this a trial reconciliation.She smiled fleetingly, then looked grave again. I want to ask you for something. A favor.Ask away.Dont talk about this. Its not a good time for Ki and me.Why not?She bit her lip and seemed to hand answering the question -one I might not have asked, given an extra moment to consider and then shook her head. Its just not. And Id be so congenial if you didnt talk about what just happened in town. More grateful than youll ever know.No problem.You mean it?Sure. Im basically a summer person who hasnt been around for awhile . . . wh ich means I dont have many folks to talk to, anyway. There was Bill Dean, of course, but I could keep quiet around him. Not that he wouldnt know. If this little lady thought the locals werent going to find out about her daughters try out to get to the beach by shanks mare, she was nonchalant herself. I think weve been noticed already, though. pile a look up at Brooksies Garage. Peek, dont stare.She did, and sighed. Two old men were standing(a) on the tarmac where there had been fumble pumps once upon a time. One was very likely Brooksie himself I thought I could see the remnants of the flyaway red hair which had always made him look like a downeast version of Bozo the Clown. The other, old enough to adjudge Brooksie look like a wee slip of a lad, was leaning on a gold-headed dress down in a way that was queerly vulpine.I cant do anything about them, she said, sounding depressed. Nobody can do anything about them. I guess I should count myself lucky its a holiday and theres on ly two of them.Besides, I added, they probably didnt see much. Which ignored two things first, that half a dozen cars and pick-em-ups had gone by while we had been standing here, and second, that whatever Brooksie and his elderly friend hadnt seen, they would be more than happy to submit up.On Matties shoulder, Kyra gave a ladylike snore. Mattie glanced at her and gave her a smile full of rue and love. Im sorry we had to meet under circumstances that make me look like much(prenominal) a dope, because I really am a big fan. They say at the bookstore in Castle Rock that youve got a new one coming out this summer.I nodded. Its called Helens Promise.She grinned. Good title. convey. You better get your buddy back home before she breaks your arm.Yeah.There are people in this world who have a knack for asking embarrassing, awkward questions without mean to its like a talent for walking into doors. I am one of that tribe, and as I walked with her toward the passenger side of the Scout, I found a good one. And yet it was hard to blame myself too enthusiastically. I had seen the wedding ring on her hand, after all.Will you tell your husband?Her smile stayed on, but it paled somehow. And tightened. If it were possible to delete a spoken question the way you can delete a line of type when youre writing a story, I would have done it.He died last August.Mattie, Im sorry. pass on mouth, insert foot.You couldnt know. A girl my age isnt even vatical to be married, is she? And if she is, her husbands supposed to be in the army, or something.There was a pink baby-seat also Kmart, I guessed on the passenger side of the Scout. Mattie try to boost Kyra in, but I could see she was struggling. I stepped forward to help her, and for just a moment, as I pass oned past her to grab a plump leg, the back of my hand brushed her breast. She couldnt step back unless she wanted to risk Kyras slithering out of the seat and onto the floor, but I could feel her recording the touch. My husbands dead, not a threat, so the big-deal writer thinks its okay to cop a little feel on a hot summer morning. And what can I say? Mr. Big Deal came along and hauled my kid out of the road, maybe save her life.No, Mattie, I may be forty going on a hundred, but I was not copping a feel. save I couldnt say that it would only make things worse. I felt my cheeks flush a little.How old are you? I asked, when we had the baby squared away and were back at a safe distance.She gave me a look. fatigue or not, she had it together again. Old enough to know the situation Im in. She held out her hand. Thanks again, Mr. Noonan. God sent you along at the right time.Nah, God just told me I needed a hamburger at the Village Cafe, I said. Or maybe it was His opposite number. Please say Buddys still doing business at the same old stand.She smiled. It warmed her face back up again, and I was happy to see it. Hell still be there when Kis kids are old enough to try buying beer with contrive IDS. Un less someone wanders in off the road and asks for something like shrimp tetrazzini. If that happened hed probably drop dead of a heart attack.Yeah. Well, when I get copies of the new book, Ill drop one off.The smile continued to hang in there, but now it traced toward caution. You dont need to do that, Mr. Noonan.No, but I will. My agent gets me fifty comps. I find that as I get older, they go further.Perhaps she perceive more in my voice than I had meant to put there people do sometimes, I guess.All right. Ill look forward to it.I took another look at the baby, sleeping in that queerly quotidian way they have her head leaning over on her shoulder, her lovely little lips pursed and blowing a bubble. Their skin is what kills me so fine and perfect there seem to be no pores at all. Her Sox hat was askew. Mattie watched me reach in and readjust it so the visors shade fell across her closed eyes.Kyra, I said.Mattie nodded. Ladylike.Kia is an African name, I said. It means seasons beginning. I left her then, giving her a little wave as I headed back to the drivers side of the Chevy. I could feel her curious eyes on me, and I had the oddest whimsy that I was going to cry.That feeling stayed with me long after the two of them were out of persuasion was still with me when I got to the Village Cafe. I pulled into the dirt parking lot to the left of the off-brand gas pumps and just sat there for a little while, thinking about Jo and about a home pregnancy-testing kit which had cost twenty-two-fifty. A little inexplicable shed wanted to keep until she was absolutely sure. That must have been it what else could it have been?Kia, I said. Seasons beginning. But that made me feel like crying again, so I got out of the car and slammed the door hard behind me, as if I could keep the sadness inside that way.